Ra Collective, today it came to me,

My fears might not be normal.

Triggered, I could get into a fear state,

Where I get dropped into a dark pit.

There is nothing there but darkness and terror.

The terror is what is hardest to bear about this fear.

The terror gripping at my heart.

Paralyzing my mind and entire body.

My mind held in frozen state.

My body freezing in fear.

And I felt bound by chains of terror,

Though there are no chains to bound me.

What causes that kind of fear, Ra?

I look back into my life.

And do not see where this fear came from.

Recently, I experienced this fear when I was threatened,

With the law, with police and lawyers.

Though I knew there was no ground for it.

It still threw me into this darkness of fear and sheer terror.

It came to me just now, this fear is likely not normal.

Some happenings in my life,

Had to cause this fear, this trauma,

What is it, Ra?

When did I first experience this fear?

After I left the monastery.

I first encountered this fear after I left the monastery.

Alone, with nowhere to turn,

No one who could understand the guilt, turmoil, confusion,

Of leaving the monastery.

Misfit, rejected by three monasteries at the end.

I was convinced I had a monster in me.

Which, when it surfaced, would cause people to reject me.

I lived in fear of this monster.

It was all the harder since it resided in me.

And I did not know when it would surface,

And caused people to reject me.

To feel safe, I started withdrawing from society.

My late husband sensed this fear in me.

And used it to his advantage.

One phrase easily threw me into this dark pit of fear.

The words, “I do not respect …..” this or that in me.

It was enough to throw me into that dark pit of fear.

Leaving my inner being completely paralyzed.

Before I started digging myself out of it,

And was able to operate again.

It was hard, very hard each time it happened.

Until one day when I neutralized his weapon.

I was in the car, bending down to pick something from the floor,

When I made a firm resolution and told my late husband mentally,

“I will never give you power over me again.”

I did not.

After that, he could tell me anything and his words missed the mark.

I had freed myself from him.

But I have not freed myself from fear,

Of those who could hurt or harm me on this, my path.

I was getting nowhere with tracing the fear.

But now a glimmer is coming through from you.

Ra, could you tell me what caused the trigger of this fear?

RA: It is the fear of rejection,

Extreme fear of rejection.

You bore it bravely as a nun,

When at the end you were completely abandoned.

By the young nuns who verbally abused you for years.

You could understand that, they had engaged in it from the beginning.

But at the end, you were abandoned by the older nuns as well.

They had loved you, shown you love.

But when you strike out on your own,

They feared your spirit and rejected you.

The last years there, you were an outcast,

A pariah, an enemy at camp.

And they treated you as harshly,

With words, scorn, and mistrust.

“I can take it,” you told them and yourself. 

“I have broad shoulders.”

And you did take it.

By pushing everything under,

And putting on a brave front.

Smiling and laughing your way through it all.

But in the silence of your cell,

It was different.

There, you were alone with your feelings.

The mask down, the cloak removed.

And you were alone in your vulnerability

But they saw none of that.

Instead they saw this upstart, defying them,

Walking a path which sent shivers through them.

A path of your own, your own authentic self.

Out of their control and manipulations.

They could no longer control or manipulate you,

With their outdated, outmoded belief system.

You had surpassed them in that.

You were enlightened.

You were an enlightened being.

You saw through their fears of the new,

Causing them to cling intransigently to the old.

You knew truth is not with the old.

That the Catholic faith stands development.

Development of the Christian doctrine,

Filled with truths from Vatican Second and Cardinal John Henry Newman.

You ventured forth.

On a path of your own.

You walked your own path to God.

Do you fault them for fearing your spirit?

They had young ones they were mothering.

They feared you might influence them with your thinking.

And new found ways of believing and seeing the light.

Protecting their young, they ruthlessly worked to phase you out.

If not by causing you to leave,

At least by casting you as a pariah, a rebel, until,

No one dared to have any association with you.

Months of that and it affected your psyche,

Though you did not believe it did.

Why would you believe otherwise you are a monster within?

Why would you believe you were an apple,

Lovely to behold and rotten inside?

And avoid so many who were drawn to you,

At the Marinas where you stayed for years.

Every time you see people approaching,

You opened the hatch of your boat and slipped inside,

Safe in the cocoon of your 39 feet sail boat.

You are still doing it today.

You called it, choosing to live in some kind of obscurity.

It is not that.

You are seeking a safe place.

And your safe place is your circle of regular youtube attendees of your Lives.

And a few Readers you feel safe with.

You thought your shadow work was done.

It is not.

This fear issue is surfacing.

To move forward, you have to deal with the fear issue.

You do not fear getting on stage even,

Facing large crowds.

You have that irrepressible spirit,

That spirit of. bravado.

Where you dare tread where angels dare not tread.

Did you not get on Kevin Moore ISNN’s podcast?

When you just started to channel us.

And barely knew how to really channel us.

You hoped on, amidst all the big channelers.

And performed very well.

You knew we were with you,

You drew strength and courage from us.

Then you hopped onto Jeffmara and was heading for another big channel

When it was canceled, pulling the rug from under you.

You have that courage.

An enclosed nun, a housewife with little training,

You started your youtube channel at our behest.

And engaged in youtube activities which are not easy for you.

Yet you did it all.

Now you have to combat that fear.

Of those who could get competitive hence jealous.

You fear the destruction they could wreck on you.

It is a deep seated fear.

One we brought out yesterday in your Monday channeling of us.

It was so deep, when we brought it up,

You cried, your entire soul cried.

It is good you cried.

Now you are able to face that fear.

You have to face it and clear it, to move on.

Because due to that fear,

You fear to succeed.

You do not want to succeed.

You want to stay small and in your safe corner.

You do not have to fear.

You know you have that indomitable spirit within you.

You have experienced it.

There were times, you could literally see the spirit.

Entering you and taking you over.

Like the apostles on pentecost day,

When we fill you with our presence and energy

You will go out and fearlessly work for us.

Age is immaterial, you use that as an excuse.

Much can be achieved in one year, not mentioning,

A span of at least ten years.

Filled with that spirit, you know you will be fearless.

Though you do not admit it,

You do have that charism, that charisma to carry it though.

Why do you think we picked you?

Because we know you are able to do it.

Fearless, and bold of indomitable spirit.

You have it all.

And we are with you,

We will be with you.

More and more you are able to feel us,

With you all the time.

You have dedicated yourself to us, to our cause.

To work toward the ascension of earth to planet earth.

We will hold you to it.

Be of good faith, dear one.