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My sister has a large tumor
at the base of the skull,
eating into the bone.
Aggressive. Metastasis.
I read her medical report.
The utter devastation of it hit me.
I went very quiet inside.
No emotion.

Before, processing such news,
I would be aware of myself
going numb inside,
pushing up the walls,
insulating, protecting me.
And slowly, by degrees,
in the measure I am able to handle it,
let the news through, bit by bit,
a little at a time,
until I get the total picture,
processing it as they come through.

But this.
This was different.
No emotion.

Something must be wrong with me,
my mind registered.
Am I in denial?
I looked inside
and did not see anything.
I decided, since I did not feel anything,
I was either in denial
or my psychic self sensed it was not cancer.
I held onto that hope. Not cancer.

When the news came — it is cancer —
I remained in that state
of inner peace and calm.
My sisters cried.
I did not.
I stayed contained and strong.
I did choke twice,
talking about the devastating news.
But I did not cry.

I knew this is her journey to walk.
She has to walk it.
I will stay by her side
with my prayers and caring.

It came to me yesterday —
it was my Self.
When the devastating news hit,
the physical self stepped aside,
leaving it all to the Self.
And that was how the Self processed it.
In peace, calmness
and equanimity of spirit.