Blue Avians, yesterday I asked you in channeled session,
to show to me you have been with me since young.
You brought me to an incident after I left the monastery.
An incident I will always remember.
….
I thought if I fought my battle to the bitter end,
and laid down my weapon and leave the monastery,
I would not be assailed with regrets.
I did not want to be assailed with regrets.
However, that was not to be.
After I left, I felt guilty and conflicted.
I walked the streets of Kuala Lumpur,
roaming from one end to the other.
Losing myself in the crowd.
An unknown entity in this large mass of people.
That anonymity afforded me some kind of comfort.
Like a blanket, blanketing out everything,
but the pain, the confusion in my heart.
Why, I kept asking as I wore thin my 2 inches heel shoes
on the graveled road of the city.
Why am I out here and the rest of nuns still in there?
Why was I not able to stay?
I had entered at the age of seventeen.
That life was all I knew for eleven plus years.
And now I am out.
One night, I looked down at the dark murky waters of a bridge.
And knew why people commit suicide.
There was no path, simply no path ahead.
How does one walk when there is no path ahead.
The option is to end it though I know,
I would never end my life that way.
It came to a head one afternoon.
I found myself on the floor.
So sick I was groveling on the floor.
I saw myself being pulled inexorably toward a dark pit.
It was a large dark pit.
I knew once I fell into it.
It would be very hard getting out of it.
My survival instinct kicked in.
Laying on the floor, I prayed to St. Therese of Lisieux
St Therese, you had been here before, suffering depression.
You understand how I feel. Please help me.
In that moment, I knew what to do.
I pulled myself up from the floor and reached for the phone.
I phoned the family of a nun I knew at the monastery.
They had given me shelter before.
I love the atmosphere of her family home.
It was filled with laughter, talk and music.
Her mother answered the phone.
And told me I could spend the weekend there.
I hurriedly packed a small bag, and took a bus there.
It was the healing I needed.
The laughter and happiness of an extended home.
Her children were grown but loud and full of live.
It did the trick, it effected a full turnaround.
By Monday, the crisis had passed and I recovered.
Blue Avians, you told me, my spirit team was with me throughout.
No wonder, I always tell people.
After I left the monastery, something was taking care of me.
I just knew what I had to do, what I should do.
The same assistance helped me through self therapy.
I was so filled with anger, hurt, pain and resentment.
The years of vocal abuse I suffered at the monastery ate into me.
Somehow, I knew the cure was to let the poison out.
I did, I wrote pages and pages to my spiritual director.
Letting out the anger and hurt.
One day the feeling was so strong,
I just wanted to stand on a rooftop.
and announced to the world I hate the Church.
Of course, I was not able to do it.
I did something close to it.
I phoned the office of the local Bishop
and started releasing my anger.
The assistant cut the call short.
It is comforting looking back to know,
the Blue Avians, my spirit team was with me.
I knew God was with me.
That I had no doubt.
Once you experience God.
God is always with you.
Because that Divinity is in you.