Jesus, I never really experience that love which I have for the Godhead.

It is because I have experienced God, the Godhead.

I have experienced Jesus a few times, but it does not have the same effect.

I never thought to ask why.

Because that experience of God was so gripping.

At the time, I was four years into my life as a nun of a contemplative order.

I had spent four years diligently pursuing meditation, putting all efforts into it.

And moved into what St Teresa of Avila termed prayer of simplicity.

This could also be termed as acquired contemplation, through our own efforts.

This was followed by months of dryness, where I was unable to meditate.

One day I felt it, something trying to get me to go inside of me.

I told God, I am sorry, God, I am no longer able to meditate that way.

I resisted that pull till it pulled me inside and occupied me.

I could only describe it as being possessed by God.

It was being occupied by God, I will call it the Presence..

That Presence occupied me so completely.

For four days I moved around in a state of stupor, divorced from the world.

I was occupied only with this Force within, separated in part from reality.

I knew it was something precious and like a pregnant woman carrying a precious baby,

I nurtured the feeling.

I stayed with it all the time, afraid to let go, not wanting to lose it ever.

After four days, the intensity ceased. I slowly came back to reality.

I had attained interiority.

Until then, extroverted, I was very talkative and found it very hard not to talk.

We had silence all day except for two separate hours of recreation.

We had the great silence at night.

The young nuns had gotten on my case about not keeping silent.

And now I had no desire to talk, no need to talk.

I have something inside of me keeping me occupied.

The change was so drastic, so unnatural.

It unnerved the young nuns, not used to my silence.

Though that feel of separation from the world ease,

It was very hard for my mind to attend to anything.

It was as though this Force so occupied me,

it rendered some of my faculties, especially my mind, inactive.

I had to force myself to attend to chores that needed mental faculties.

I was able to do only chores that did not require any thinking.

This went on for months.

After a while, I felt what St John of the Cross talked about,

a yearning for God.

I felt stabbed, wounded with love for God and I did not have him.

Not the way I wanted and yearned for total union with God.

That yearning, desire never left me.

It led me to what I am today, further, deeper on the path.

And on the same path, to union with God, enlightenment,

self – realization, attaining to that Oneness, whatever it is called.